Relationship Counselling
Central London, Camden, Kings Cross, London NW1
Glen Gibson - Dip. Counselling, MA Psychotherapy, Dip. Psychotherapy
UKCP & mBACP Accredited Relationship Counsellor & Marriage Counsellor

Relationship Problems & Marriage Problems - Counselling London

Other Problems In The Relationship Or Marriage

Relationship Problems, Marriage Issues As Challenges At some point in our relationship or marriage there may be some relationship issues, marriage problems or difficulties. We may love our partner, yet living, being together can be challenging. How we choose to overcome or resolve them is up to us. In life we come across various predicaments, priorities, paradoxes, contradictions, conflicts, contrasts, dilemmas, ambivalence. All problems can be solved and reframing them as predicaments may help us (see also Fixing Things - The Need To Be Fixed). As Margaret Mead stated "We are continually faced with great opportunities which are brilliantly disguised as unsolvable problems", especially ones between head / logic, our heart and inner wisdom - see also Suffering & Love. Yet certain relationship problems may be unsolvable and creatively living with them can be an option for some. If possible, solving certain marriage issues or relationship problems early on can often be beneficial, and the relationship counselling or marriage therapy can support you in this. Sometimes we can believe the relationship problem or marriage issue is about something specific, yet there can be underlying problems at the root, which may be hard to articulate, especially if we feel afraid, ashamed, competitive or our pride gets in the way. Hard though it might be, it can help us to view the relationship issues or marriage problems as challenges, responding in ways that will meet these challenges. "What can I learn?" and "What are the opportunities?" can also be the questions we may ask. Voicing problems in a kind manner, so they don't slip away, may be important for some. When difficulties occur in our relationship, some of us can project onto our partner, avoid our own ways of loving, struggle to acknowledge we are all flawed, imperfect or manage our own challenges around being autonomous and part of the couple. Sometimes we may experience our partner as not acknowledging problems. Seeking relationship help or marriage help early can prevent matters getting worse. (See also Crisis, Challenges, Changes & Transformations In The Relationship)

Preoccupation In The Relationship Or Marriage

Looking For Problems In The Relationship Or Marriage Our current or previous relationships may never be quite right - there is always something, we may never be satisfied (see also Unmet Love Needs - Preoccupations, What May Be Happening Inside). What we may need to learn may be our biggest challenge. Some of us may frequently test our partner to see what they can take, ultimately pushing them away. Our fear of rejection, abandonment may push us to get in first by rejecting our partner. We may also have a tendency to look for problems or picking holes, which can be quite tiring for us and our partner. We may also get into the habit of sabotaging things in the relationship or marriage, even if (or especially when) things are are going well. Wanting to relax into the relationship may be a need for some. Marriage counselling and relationship therapy can explore what's happening for us around these areas. (See also Confidence, Esteem, Insecurity, Anxiety & Fear In Relationship Or Marriage)

Allowing Relationship Problems To Get In The Way Of The Bigger Picture The relationship counselling and marriage therapy will not only work with the immediate issues we bring, but also consider what else may be emerging for us. Some of us may be preoccupied with making our current relationship problems or marriage issues bigger than they are or making them the be all and end all, or always looking for problems. And just because there is a relationship issues or marriage problem, we don't have to enlarge them and it doesn't mean the relationship or marriage is over. By now we may be seeking marriage help or relationship help. How, when and what we say can influence outcomes. (We may for example want to reflect upon, that a part of what we may be doing is projecting any of our own thoughts, assumptions, unwanted feelings, struggles, needs and wants onto our partner, believing that they have problems, we don't.) Many couples grow as a result of overcoming marriage issues or relationship problems. We may be so preoccupied with past hurts or future scenarios, that we overlook nurturing and building the relationship as it currently is. (See also Communication, Conflict & Empathy Counselling London)

When Our Partner Isn't Acknowledging A Problem

When We See A Problem & Our Partner Doesn't Differences between us and our partner are inevitable. It may be easy to jump to a conclusion that our partner is abandoning us and the relationship, that they are neglectful or apathetic, that they put things off. However, when a relationship problem or marriage issue needs to be addressed, it is very unlikely that both partners have an equal amount of motivation to overcome the issue or problem. One of us may not even see the problem, or fail to see our contribution to these difficulties. We may not be ready to work on the problem. We may feel inadequate, wondering that by bringing up these problems, it will raise other relationship problems or marriage issues. Rather than attending to overcoming the problem, we may fear being attacked, blamed, rejected, getting upset or upsetting our partner. For the person who has raised a marriage problem or a relationship issue, it can sometimes seem as if we are doing all the work on the relationship or marriage. We may want to change our partner, trying to get them to address an issue. It can be a challenge to accept and respect that our partner does not give the same weight to the problems we do, is not ready to mutually work on this aspect of the relationship or marriage, and we could be tempted to conclude that because of this the relationship or marriage is fragile or doomed, because things are unequal.

Taking care of our own needs, so at least we are in balance, may be more important to us than trying to make the relationship or marriage exactly equal, balanced. (See also Balance In The Relationship Or Marriage). How we respond to our partner's perceived lack of response, and willingness to learn about them, can be discussed in the marriage counselling and relationship therapy. We may be trying to get our partner to address an issue, which can quickly escalate into a conflict if underlying this may often be our intent to try to get them to change, and we can end up being experienced as controlling. Choosing to really want to learn (including about their resistances) may help us. Taking ownership of our problem, making our problem clear to our partner, that we are having a difficulty and how we feel about this, asking for their help, can for some facilitate change and bring about closeness. Sometimes doing the opposite things we would usually do, changing our role (the things we have always done, said), or not responding, can open up a vacuum to allow the space for the possibility for our partner to step in and fill this.

Long Distance Relationships

In A Long Distance Relationship For some, long term relationships may be harmonious, yet for others challenging, difficult (see also Relationship Dances - Pushing & Pulling). Long distance relationship may not suit some, because we want more physical and emotional intimacy, especially if we tend to thrive on a lot of contact and connection with our partner, then we may find a long distance relationship difficult (which can be compounded if we are a parent). Also, if we feel insecure, become easily anxious, needy or jealous, then a long distance relationship may be stressful and not suit us, if we end up worrying what our partner is doing. However, being in a long distance relationship suits some couples, especially if one person is more extrovert, the other more introvert - needing time alone to regenerate. Long distance relationships may also suit partners who are both busy, tending to orientate towards achievement, enjoy time alone on their own and are happy to meet up periodically (especially if the extrovert partner enjoys travelling, being sociable and the more introvert partner is more of a stay-at-home person). Having someone far away can be experienced as romantic and in the between time we can be whoever we want to be. Also, for some couples, too much contact may lead to distance and conflict, so a long distance relationship can be just the thing that works (at least in the short term). For those of us who fear engulfment or with an ambivalent, avoidant attachment style, would feel smothered or trapped by intimacy and a long distance relationship may be a safer option for us, yet these fears may re-ignite if there are plans to see each other more, live together, fully commit. Long distance relationships can work OK for some couples, yet sometimes one partner may feel in limbo, drift away slowly, develop a separate life on their own or with another.

Money Matters In The Relationship Or Marriage

Money Problems Some people turn to relationship counselling or marriage counselling to discuss the very powerful feelings that come up around money. Money can be a thorny issue for many couples and can be a highly charged subject. We or our partner may have become financially high maintenance, abandoned ourself financially. (One of us may struggle with numeracy, accounting.) When we financially abandon ourself in specific ways, we may not only ignore, disrespect ourself, but also ignore the effect on others, who may also feel disrespected. One person may tend to save, the other spend. Whether or how to have a household budget and how much we stick to it can be problematic. Allowing for forgotten items, contingencies and treats can be a source of contention. One of us may have secrets about money, (what we really earn, spend, any stocks, share, inheritances, debts, maybe squirrelling money away). Making so called sneaky or secretive purchases can create problems in the relationship, alongside impulse buying (see also Compulsive Shopping, Compulsive Spending, Shopping Addiction & Shopaholism - Shopaholics, Shopping Addicts, Addicted To Buying, Online Auction Addiction, Credit Card Addiction and Money Obsessed - Addicted To Money, Money Addiction, Money Obsession, Trading Addiction, Counselling London). We may have certain, implicit beliefs, assumptions about who should contribute more, maybe based on earning, gender. When money is tight, tension can rise. Different views towards risk and saving and any inheritances may be at play, as whether we have joint, separate accounts for saving, spending, investing. One of us may have strong views about managing our money through a range of accounts for outgoings (gifts, education and training, entertainment, savings, future investments). What money means to us, talking about our needs, priorities and differences openly, how to make the relationship thrive, no matter what our financial situation, may be important. The impact of our attitude about money may also be influenced by our past, background, and experiences along the way. How our parents responded to money issues may also affect us, our beliefs, and values now. Power and control issues, honesty, trust and truth may be necessary when talking about money (for some men, role of provider may be stressful or under threat). There may be a financial power imbalance where one of us has a money making focus, and our attitude to money, not only affects us, but also impacts on our partner. Money problems may also point to underlying relationship issues, marriage problems. Often the money issues are not about money but just the manifestation of what else is happening in our lives.

Resolving Marriage Issues, Relationship Problems

Relationship Help, Marriage Help - What Scares Us, Dropping Any Fears Focusing on problems with our partner or their problems can go round and round in circles, resulting in more fear, anxiety, especially without addressing our relationship fears and personal fears unrelated to our relationship (see also Fear-Based Beliefs). The issues in our relationship may not only be about the problem in hand, but also about fear of relationships and learning to regulate our fear, so we can become more connected and loving with our partner. As we drop any fears, freer to see what is happening, look into our partner's eyes, relax and slow down, speak in ways untainted by negativity, there can be a shift in how we feel about this person - our partner in front of us as no longer scaring us. Sitting with our partner long enough until the two of us feel emotionally connected can move both of us into a different space. (See also Safety In Our Relationship, Marriage)

Relationship Help, Marriage Help - Resolving Our Relationship Problems & Marriage Issues Some of us may feel despondent, devastated, if problems can't be resolved. Yet not all relationship issues, marriage problems can be resolved. Just because problems can't be resolved amicably it doesn't mean the relationship, marriage has to end, that we have to cut and run (see also Rushing Headlong Towards Separation Or Divorce). How we view problems and the perspectives we hold, can also influence outcomes. Wanting to change our partner or trying to control them, trying to enforce our boundaries on our partner, not owning our own sense of helplessness may prevent the possibility of resolving relationship problems. Our response to difficulties, problems, can affect the outcome (see also Communication, Conflict & Empathy Counselling London). Creating the right conditions, preparing the ground, setting the scene, can be more important than rushing in, trying to resolve the problem. Re-framing problems, bringing solutions into other possibilities of responding may be important. What we bring along with us, e.g. our history, assumptions, attitudes, painbody, etc. influences the outcome. Also, if we struggle to detach from our emotions and history, then we may be less likely to resolve the situation. The relationship therapy and marriage counselling can be a space to consider these effects and what we do with them. (See also Influence Of Our Past On Our Relationship Or Marriage)

Concrete Ways Some people want to find very concrete ways of solving marriage problems, finding solutions to their relationship. This may include clarifying specifically what the problem is, being honest with our partner in how we are feeling and clarifying with each other how we feel (alongside listening to how they are feeling, acknowledging and accepting that both of us play a role), evaluating whether the solutions are working that the relationship problem is being solved by seeing concrete results. Having regular couple meetings can be a vehicle for this.

Relationship Help, Marriage Help - Relationship Problems, Marriage Problems Questions We may have questions relating to relationship issues, marriage issues:

• Can relationship problems, marriage problems be turned around, resolved?
• What kind of relationship help or marriage help is offered?
• What might happen if the relationship problems, marriage problems don't get resolved?
• How effective is relationship counselling in helping resolve relationship problems, relationship issues?
• Is marriage counselling effective in resolving marriage problems or marriage issues?

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